🍺 The Curse of Excessive Drinking

🍺 The Curse of Excessive Drinking

True story (almost) 😅 — read till the end, you’ll thank me later!

---

I told you how my old car used to show me news,

but I have never told you what beer has shown me —

at least the other side of the coin.

You only know how they get climbed after beer 🍻

but not the bad ones. 😅

If you remember, thuruaris used to literally fly off persons of out

when I cruised around places with the old car. 🚗💨

Normally, "Old" and "Car" is not something most of us would want to talk about —

at least not in the same sentence.

If you put them together, you’re basically saying your middle name is

“I love trouble big time.” 🤣

But my old car made me eat persons,

and you know several of them stories. 😂

---

🍻 Today’s story is about beer.

Beer has shown me news.

Bad and bad news. 😬

I’m not trying to discredit beer drinking.

Drinking is biblical. 📖

Only excessive is not so good.

If you're living your life without drinking at least wine,

congratulations — you are a monkey. 🙊

Jesus didn’t turn water into wine because he was bored.

He could’ve turned it into Delmonte juice or Keringet 🧃💧

(both expensive, by the way).

But He chose wine. 🍷

Because it’s cool — and it makes you say things

you can’t say when not under the influence. 😅

---

Long time ago, we went to a place called Kenol. 🚘

We were hunting for the CDF chairman —

trying to get a contract to build roads like Mushina. 👷‍♂️

For those who don’t know, Kenol is where old people reach. 😆

In my language, if you call someone "muthee" in Nairobi,

they’ll tell you, “muthee me Kenol” —

meaning old people don’t reach Nairobi, they reach Kenol. 😂

---

After failing to get even a bridge contract,

Theuri put this song on the stereo:

🎶 “I Gotta Get Drunk” by Willie Nelson 🎵

> “...Doctors tell me I gotta slow down,

but there are old drunks than there are old doctors…”

We said we’re dreading entering bars,

but sure, we gotta take two for the road. 🍺🍺

---

A few minutes later, some persons that looked like sun ☀️

(more so their thutha 😏) entered and sat two tables away.

When they ordered half Viceroy, 🥃

we knew they weren’t trappers.

Trappers order sodas and wait for men to start buying them beer. 😅

When our meat of burnt came 🍖,

we told the washer of hands to also wash theirs.

They didn’t refuse.

After, we told them to come near fire to eat and drink. 🔥

---

Since they were two and we were four,

Theuri said whoever wanted a person should buy them beer. 😂

I removed myself — I knew Theuri is a kabia mwaniki 🐀

(a rat who never buys but later you won’t see your person till morning).

Akuku and another guy volunteered themselves.

---

After a few drinks, Theuri started his giant stories. 🦸‍♂️

The persons were laughing but still gripping their buyers’ hands tightly. 😏

When we were drunk enough,

we said we can’t drive to Nairobi at night. 🌃

We needed a place to put head until morning. 🏨

The persons said they knew a good hotel.

We entered the car, 🚗

and Akuku and the other guy started to kiss small. 😘

---

After that small time,

we woke up with the sun burning us. ☀️🔥

The persons were gone.

Phones, wallets, money, even my new Shina jacket — gone! 💸📱🧥

At first we thought one of us was joking,

but later realized we had been properly stolen. 😭

Either they put medicine,

or we were too drunk to know. 🍺💀

---

We had no phones, no money, no fuel. ⛽

Just hopelessness and hangovers. 😩

Theuri remembered one guy’s number.

We borrowed a phone from a shop to call him.

Since there was no Mpesa then,

we told him to bring 2k for rescue. 💰

He took his sweet time, arriving at 4pm. 🕓

We were hungry and angry. 😡

He apologized by buying “3-3.” 🍺🍺🍺

We went back to the same bar —

just to see if we could spot the people who “medicated” us. 😅

---

Beer is of devil. 😈

Although sad for being robbed,

I saw two beautiful persons. 😍

Having nothing to lose, I followed them and started to beat stories. 😂

They said Kenol is mambo bad sometimes.

We hadn’t bathed the whole day,

so I guess I was smelling small. 🤭

---

Meanwhile, my friends had finished money. 💸

They searched for me all over and gave up.

Theuri said maybe I’d been closed by one of the ladies. 😆

When I went downstairs, waiters told me I’d been looked for everywhere.

No phone, no number offhead.

There there — I knew I’d been climbed kwa nyeni. 😭

---

The persons asked what I’d do.

I said I’ll sleep in the bar. 🍻

They said bars close at 1am.

One said, “Drink one more as we wait for the club to close.”

After club closed, they felt for me and told me,

“We can’t leave you to sleep out — come to our home.” 🏠

🙌 I lifted my hands, thanking God for the miracle.

My tree also standed small 🌚 —

because chances of climbing were now real. 😂

---

We started walking toward their home in Makenji.

I feared thieves, but said bad is bad — let’s move. 😬

They talked about how thieves first climb people kwa nyeni. 😨

I wanted to cry when I heard one say:

“Even if they find you with your person, they first climb the man.” 😭

One lady even described how a thief once did it —

and how the “tree” came out looking like a taribo digging a hole. 💀

I prayed more. 🙏

---

After some distance, I stopped to urinate. 🚶‍♂️

When I finished, they were gone. 😳

I called them loudly — no answer.

There there, I knew I’d been losted. 😭

I decided to sleep in the bush. 🌿🐍

Dogs came, looked at me, hit emergency brakes, and ran away. 🐕💨

Later I learnt they’re used to thieves hiding there. 😅

---

I folded two fingers (to immobilize snakes remotely 😂)

and prayed hard. 🙏

“God, keep away the thieves.

If I reach morning safely, all glory is Yours!” 🌅

---

Morning came. ☀️

I came out of the bush, tired and dusty.

Then, a car stopped suddenly. 🚗💨

A voice shouted,

“Wanjohi nikii ureka guku, kai ugurukaga?” 😳

It was a friend from Magomano and Grace Villa —

a professional person snatcher. 😂

I knelt and thanked God. 🙏

Told him I had a long sad story,

but first I needed sleep. 😴

---

He gave me breakfast 🍳 and a place to bathe 🛁.

At 4pm, we went back to Kenol and started drinking again. 🍺

This time, I didn’t remove eyes from him 👀

— even to the toilet. 😂

---

When I’d calmed down,

he said he’ll use my bush story to snatch persons from me. 😅

He’s the kind who comes to bars with toothless people,

but snatches your fine ones by flashing thousands. 💵💵

He’ll just tell them,

> “Nduke urenge ihindi urie nyama”

(Cut bone to eat meat.) 🍖

No Nairobi person with sense can resist cutting bone. 😂😂

---

Next time,

I’ll tell you how we once drew for him to be stolen by persons of medicine —

just to teach him and others with similar tabias a small lesson. 😏